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Love Under Investigation?

Posted: Thursday, November 20, 2008

by Douglas Sardelli
http://www.villagematchmaker.com

Allowing yourself to trust your partner is often a difficult part of the relationship; even more so for those who have been hurt, or betrayed in the past. While many people feel that to snoop, or spy on their partner would be an invasion of privacy, other feel they are well within their rights to do a little investigating. Many people choose to seek information through their partners friends or family, though this can prove difficult as their loyalties usually lie with the subject. Others choose to snoop through their partners things in hopes of putting together the pieces of the puzzle that is their partners past. A select few even choose to hire a private investigator to seek out hidden information. While it is understandable that most people are curious about their partners life, many of these tactics often lead to difficulties in the relationship and certainly rely on a great deal of secrecy, which can be harmful.

There are people who remain very secretive, even in the closest of relationships; a type of behavior which can force their partner to feel suspicious. There are many reasons a person might have difficulty opening up with another person, even one whom they very much care for. While it is understandable that many people jump to conclusions about this secretive kind of behavior, in many cases the reasons for it have little to do with protecting a potentially damaging piece of information.

Some possible reason why your partner might choose to conceal parts of their life from you:

Rejection: Perhaps the number one reason why people choose to hide parts of their life is the fear that others will mock and reject them for their interests. This fear can cause many people to withhold information that they assume their partner will not approve of, or understand. While these fears may be unfounded, they have no less validity for a person who his convinced that a negative reaction is possible.

Embarrassment: Many studies have shown that the most common fear amongst adults has nothing to do with death or financial difficulties, as one might expect, but simply to be embarrassed in front of their peers. The pressure for such acceptance is only increased when referring to a person for whom they feel a great deal of respect, or love for. These feeling maybe increased if in past relationships the person was humiliated for disclosing information to their partner that was of a sensitive nature; though in the present relationship no such incident has occurred, the fear remains.

Individuality: Some people choose to withhold parts of their life because they fear losing their individuality by revealing their most personal information to their partner. This is often no indication of how they feel about the person who they are in a relationship with, but simply a fear of losing some part of who they are. Many people choose to retain separate living spaces; hobbies and friends to avoid melding all the parts of their life with their partner and in some of those cases they feel uncomfortable discussing what takes place when they are active in that other part of their life.

Opening Up: Many people have a great deal of difficulty opening up about their deeper feelings and thoughts. Past traumas or unhappy incidences can cause this difficulty; or simply the inability to put those personal thoughts into the right words. Often these people will reveal information if some outside influence brings a similar topic into the conversation, but they will seldom choose to bring up these thoughts on their own. This can be very frustrating as in leads a partner to believe that their loved one is not interested in sharing with them; often this is not true. Not wanting to share is not quite the same instinct as not allowing a particular thought to stay fresh enough in your mind that you would wish to discuss it with someone close to you. Though the line may seem thin, the difference between these two forms of behavior is important; while purposefully avoiding sharing maybe the sign of some problem or difficulty in a persons mind, not dwelling on a personal thought or feeling enough to remember to discuss may simply mean that the person does not enjoy analyzing certain parts of their life.

There are many more, (some far less appealing,) reasons for which a person might choose to be secretive and those reasons are often the substance which builds unhappy suspicions. How does one proceed in revealing the details that their partner shrouds in mystery, without invading their privacy? One of the first steps is to determine the importance of your curiosity and to establish whether this is your partners problem, or your own. Understanding the many possibilities involved in the situation, along with your own feelings is one the most important steps to take before digging for details:

What has taken place to rouse your curiosity about your partner? Is this one incident or many?
Are you the type of person who others would think of as nosy? Is it possible that your curiosity stems from a controlling nature?
Has something happened to indicate that your partners secrecy maybe about something potentially damaging or harmful to your relationship?
Do you often create worst-case scenarios in your mind, only to find out your beliefs were drastically exaggerated later?
Do you keep anything from your partner that might help you to understand the nature of wanting to be discrete about certain subjects?
Are you overly sensitive about the closeness or lack thereof, between you and your partner?
Has your partner always been secretive or is this behavior a recent change?
Above all: How well do you and your partner communicate? Do they know of your concerns?

These are just a few key questions that you might want to review before taking any investigatory measures. If you become confidant that it is your partner who is causing the problem by acting in a secretive way the best action you can take is to ask them about it. Your partner may surprise you by answering many of your questions, which will help to set your mind at ease. If you find that your partner is unable to discuss the problem with you, or explain the reason for their secrecy, it might because they are simply unable to communicate well with you. Enlisting the help of anyone who you feel that you can trust and that your partner can trust might be an excellent way to shed a little light on the problem. Often those closest to us can see our problems more clearly as they are removed from the situation and do often have clouded judgment.

Asking a friend or relative to share their insight can be very useful, but you must also keep your partners feelings in mind. If your partner has expressly asked that you do not seek out any information about certain issues than the problem must be resolved between the two of you, or not at all.

When speaking with your partner it can be difficult to remain calm if you are feeling frustrated. Often when couples attempt to discuss a topic that is stressful for one, or both individuals, an argument results and much of the problem is ignored in the process. Try to remember that it is likely that your partner may feel a little defensive and will therefore need a little encouragement from you:

Try not to use words that are aggressive or accusatory; simply explain that the situation is causing you to feel uncomfortable, even angry and that you need your partners help to resolve it.
Soothe your partner by letting them know that they can trust you; that you will try to be supportive and understanding as long as they are able to meet you halfway.
Never begin an important discussion in a populated place; neither of you will free to speak openly if strangers are too close by.
Never begin an important discussion when you have a brief amount of time to spare; this can cause an unnecessary tension as you are forced to keep an eye on the clock and may feel that time is constantly running out.

If after discussing the problem and seeking out the aid of friends or family you still feel as though your partner is hiding something you might feel compelled to take more drastic measure such as following your partner around; hiring a private investigator, searching through letters or online communications, even searching wallets and clothing for chance clues. Some people might feel that the situation is desperate enough to require such behavior, but if you are forced to take these kinds of steps in order to feel more secure in your relationship, chances are it wont last long.

Because trust is one of the most vital components of any healthy relationship, you may have to allow your partner a few secrets; demanding to know if their activities involve anything that might ruin your relationship, should you find out about it, is a reasonable request. Remember that while you should respect your partners right to have personal space, you have a right to ask about things that are making you uncomfortable. Dont allow assumptions or fears to make your decisions for you and whenever possible, allow your partner the chance to help you understand what they are feeling.

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